For three days after the restaurant, Elise did not mention the conversation.<\/p>\n
Neither did I.<\/p>\n
We exchanged Mabel as usual.<\/p>\n
We discussed diapers, daycare, and a rash near her elbow.<\/p>\n
No reference to missing each other.<\/p>\n
No interpretation of the hand on my arm.<\/p>\n
No attempt to force momentum.<\/p>\n
The restraint felt almost comical.<\/p>\n
Marcus noticed immediately.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re weird.\u201d<\/p>\n
We were standing in my kitchen while he opened my refrigerator without permission.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m always weird.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. You\u2019re quiet-weird.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cVery scientific.\u201d<\/p>\n
He found leftover noodles.<\/p>\n
\u201cSomething happened.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing happened.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sounds worse.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat at the table.<\/p>\n
\u201cElise said she misses me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Marcus stopped eating.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
He narrowed his eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn\u2019t launch into a speech?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBeg?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSuggest counseling?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPropose?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMarcus.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m assessing growth.\u201d<\/p>\n
I threw a napkin at him.<\/p>\n
He caught it.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo what did you say?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat missing someone is information, not an instruction.\u201d<\/p>\n
Marcus stared.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho are you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve had time.\u201d<\/p>\n
He sat across from me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou still love her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
That answer no longer embarrassed me.<\/p>\n
\u201cDoes she love you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe said she misses you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn\u2019t the same.\u201d<\/p>\n
Marcus nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat might be the healthiest thing you\u2019ve ever said.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLow bar.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExtremely.\u201d<\/p>\n
He became serious.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you want?\u201d<\/p>\n
The question should have been easy.<\/p>\n
Instead I looked around the apartment.<\/p>\n
Mabel\u2019s toys.<\/p>\n
Her little shoes near the door.<\/p>\n
A drawing from daycare taped to the refrigerator even though it was mostly green scribble.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want whatever keeps us honest.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn\u2019t an answer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s the only one I trust.\u201d<\/p>\n
Marcus waited.<\/p>\n
I rubbed my hands together.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf Elise wants only co-parenting, I can survive that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCan you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if she wants more?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d want that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere.\u201d<\/p>\n
He pointed at me with his fork.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s the answer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI said I want it. Not that I\u2019m entitled to it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStill progress.\u201d<\/p>\n
The following Thursday, Elise asked me to keep Mabel overnight unexpectedly.<\/p>\n
A work dinner had been scheduled at the last minute.<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re sure?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can ask Natalie.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can. But I\u2019m available.\u201d<\/p>\n
A pause.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mabel arrived at six.<\/p>\n
Elise wore a black dress and low heels.<\/p>\n
For a second I forgot how to speak.<\/p>\n
She noticed.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t say anything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYour face did.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked away.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy face lacks discipline.\u201d<\/p>\n
She handed me the diaper bag.<\/p>\n
\u201cBedtime eight.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe had a short nap.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cUnderstood.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cElise.\u201d<\/p>\n
She stopped.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve got her.\u201d<\/p>\n
Something softened in her expression.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mabel reached for me.<\/p>\n
Elise kissed her forehead.<\/p>\n
Then she left.<\/p>\n
I did not ask who would be at the dinner.<\/p>\n
That mattered.<\/p>\n
The old version of me might have disguised jealousy as logistics.<\/p>\n
Who is going?<\/p>\n
Will men be there?<\/p>\n
How late?<\/p>\n
Now Elise\u2019s life belonged to Elise.<\/p>\n
That truth still required practice.<\/p>\n
At eight-forty, after Mabel finally slept, I sat on the couch and tried to watch television.<\/p>\n
I lasted nine minutes.<\/p>\n
Then my phone buzzed.<\/p>\n
Elise.<\/p>\n
Everything okay?<\/p>\n
I answered:<\/p>\n
Asleep. No issues.<\/p>\n
Three dots appeared.<\/p>\n
Then:<\/p>\n
Good. Thank you.<\/p>\n
I expected the conversation to end.<\/p>\n
Another message came.<\/p>\n
This dinner is terrible.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
I replied:<\/p>\n
Professional terrible or food terrible?<\/p>\n
Both.<\/p>\n
A moment later:<\/p>\n
I would rather be home eating cereal.<\/p>\n
I typed:<\/p>\n
Regional Director Bennett already regretting leadership?<\/p>\n
Her response:<\/p>\n
Deeply.<\/p>\n
Then:<\/p>\n
How is she sleeping?<\/p>\n
I sent a picture of Mabel sprawled diagonally in the crib.<\/p>\n
Elise replied with a heart.<\/p>\n
Then nothing.<\/p>\n
The next morning, she arrived at seven-thirty.<\/p>\n
Mabel was eating banana pieces.<\/p>\n
Elise stepped inside.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou survived.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBarely.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow many wake-ups?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOne.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s better.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t sound disappointed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI spent a year suffering. I\u2019d like some consistency.\u201d<\/p>\n
She poured herself coffee without asking.<\/p>\n
I noticed that.<\/p>\n
So did she.<\/p>\n
For a second, we looked at each other.<\/p>\n
Then she said, \u201cSorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know where the mugs are.\u201d<\/p>\n
The sentence carried more intimacy than it should have.<\/p>\n
Elise stayed standing by the counter.<\/p>\n
Mabel threw banana.<\/p>\n
I handed her another piece.<\/p>\n
Eventually Elise sat.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan I ask you something?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you think people actually get over infidelity?\u201d<\/p>\n
I did not answer immediately.<\/p>\n
\u201cSome probably do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sounds evasive.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s honest.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you think?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at her.<\/p>\n
\u201cGet over it how?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMove past it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think those are different things.\u201d<\/p>\n
She waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think you should ever have to become someone who thinks what I did was okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou shouldn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean emotionally.\u201d<\/p>\n
I understood.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re asking if trust can come back.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat opposite her.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think some trust has.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut it isn\u2019t the same trust.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe old trust was automatic.\u201d<\/p>\n
Elise\u2019s face tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou trusted because I was your husband and I hadn\u2019t given you a reason not to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cUntil you did.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExactly.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked toward Mabel.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe trust now is based on evidence.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhich sounds worse.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe.\u201d<\/p>\n
I considered it.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I think it\u2019s more honest.\u201d<\/p>\n
Elise wrapped her hands around the coffee mug.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen you\u2019re late now, I don\u2019t immediately think you\u2019re lying.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause you don\u2019t call three times.\u201d<\/p>\n
That made her look embarrassed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI did that after you first started taking Mabel alone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou had reasons.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI hated feeling like that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked down.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want to feel like a detective ever again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou shouldn\u2019t have to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if we ever\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
She stopped.<\/p>\n
My heart started beating harder.<\/p>\n
I stayed quiet.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf we ever what?\u201d I asked finally.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want to put words in your mouth.\u201d<\/p>\n
Elise almost smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is becoming very annoying.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStill better than the alternative.\u201d<\/p>\n
She sighed.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf we ever tried anything again, I don\u2019t know whether I could handle being suspicious.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat makes sense.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t sound hopeful.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am hopeful.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why are you agreeing with every obstacle?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause they\u2019re real.\u201d<\/p>\n
She stared at me.<\/p>\n
A year earlier, I would have argued against her fear.<\/p>\n
I would have said, You have to trust me.<\/p>\n
As though trust were a requirement she owed.<\/p>\n
Now I understood fear did not disappear because I wanted access to her again.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou could change your mind every day,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf we ever tried again.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyebrows lifted.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou could want it Monday and hate it Tuesday.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sounds terrible.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt probably would be.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDaniel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean you wouldn\u2019t owe me certainty.\u201d<\/p>\n
She became quiet.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know if I can forgive everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if I can\u2019t?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen you can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat easy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
I shook my head.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot easy. Just yours.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes filled.<\/p>\n
She looked away.<\/p>\n
Mabel began babbling to herself.<\/p>\n
Neither of us spoke for a while.<\/p>\n
Then Elise said, \u201cI used to think I needed to forgive you to be free of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I listened.<\/p>\n
\u201cNatalie said I didn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe was right.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI hated when people told me forgiveness was for me, not you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can imagine.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt sounded like another assignment.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s exactly what I was about to say.\u201d<\/p>\n
She smiled faintly.<\/p>\n
\u201cSee? That\u2019s weird.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou understanding me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m late.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
The word was soft.<\/p>\n
Painful.<\/p>\n
True.<\/p>\n
I looked down.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
Elise reached across the table.<\/p>\n
Her hand touched mine.<\/p>\n
This time neither of us moved away.<\/p>\n
For perhaps ten seconds, we sat that way.<\/p>\n
Then Mabel slapped both hands against the tray and yelled.<\/p>\n
Elise laughed through tears.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe hates emotional conversations.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSmart kid.\u201d<\/p>\n
We cleaned Mabel together.<\/p>\n
Afterward, Elise stood near the door with her coat.<\/p>\n
She seemed reluctant to leave.<\/p>\n
\u201cDaniel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want to promise anything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I don\u2019t want you dating other people while I decide.\u201d<\/p>\n
The sentence surprised me.<\/p>\n
Not because of the request.<\/p>\n
Because of the vulnerability underneath it.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not dating anyone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI haven\u2019t since Corinne.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re asking me not to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I considered it.<\/p>\n
Part of me wanted to say obviously.<\/p>\n
Instead I asked, \u201cAre you asking for exclusivity?\u201d<\/p>\n
Elise swallowed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI guess I am.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen I\u2019m asking the same.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes met mine.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
Neither of us smiled.<\/p>\n
The seriousness of the agreement demanded more than that.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are we calling this?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot dating.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot exactly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen what?\u201d<\/p>\n
I thought about it.<\/p>\n
\u201cTrying.\u201d<\/p>\n
Elise repeated the word.<\/p>\n
\u201cTrying.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWithout pretending.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWithout pretending.\u201d<\/p>\n
She nodded.<\/p>\n
Then left.<\/p>\n
For the next month, trying looked almost disappointingly ordinary.<\/p>\n
We had dinner.<\/p>\n
We took Mabel to the park.<\/p>\n
We talked after she slept.<\/p>\n
We argued once about whether I was working too late.<\/p>\n
That argument mattered.<\/p>\n
Not because it became dramatic.<\/p>\n
Because I felt defensive.<\/p>\n
Elise heard it.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo now I\u2019m controlling you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t say that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou sounded like you wanted to.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stopped.<\/p>\n
The old reflex was there.<\/p>\n
Deflect.<\/p>\n
Counterattack.<\/p>\n
Make her apologize for raising the concern.<\/p>\n
Instead I said, \u201cI\u2019m getting defensive because it reminds me of old fights.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo that doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n
Elise crossed her arms.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou promised to take Mabel Tuesday and then scheduled over it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s the issue.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot my tone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
We stood in my kitchen.<\/p>\n
My chest felt tight.<\/p>\n
I wanted to escape the discomfort.<\/p>\n
I did not.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll fix Tuesday.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll move the meeting.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou said it was important.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMabel is more important.\u201d<\/p>\n
Elise\u2019s expression changed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t have to perform.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow do I know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
That ended the argument.<\/p>\n
Not because everything became pleasant.<\/p>\n
Because there was nowhere dishonest left for it to go.<\/p>\n
I moved the meeting.<\/p>\n
Tuesday happened.<\/p>\n
I picked up Mabel.<\/p>\n
No one praised me.<\/p>\n
That mattered too.<\/p>\n
Three weeks later, Elise asked if she could stay after dropping Mabel off.<\/p>\n
We put our daughter to bed.<\/p>\n
Then sat on the couch.<\/p>\n
The television remained off.<\/p>\n
Elise looked nervous.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
She took a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think I want to kiss you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Every muscle in my body went still.<\/p>\n
I did not move closer.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you sure?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
That answer felt more honest than yes would have.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not either.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t want to?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why aren\u2019t you moving?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause wanting isn\u2019t the only thing that matters.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes softened.<\/p>\n
Then she leaned toward me.<\/p>\n
The kiss was brief.<\/p>\n
Gentle.<\/p>\n
Almost cautious enough to be formal.<\/p>\n
When we separated, neither of us spoke.<\/p>\n
It did not feel like recovering our marriage.<\/p>\n
It felt like standing at the beginning of something unnamed.<\/p>\n
Elise touched her lips.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat was strange.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIn a bad way?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
She thought.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn a new way.\u201d<\/p>\n
That relieved me more than I expected.<\/p>\n
She left ten minutes later.<\/p>\n
No second kiss.<\/p>\n
No sleepover.<\/p>\n
No promises.<\/p>\n
I stood in the apartment after the door closed.<\/p>\n
For once, I did not ask whether the kiss meant we would get back together.<\/p>\n
I asked whether I could keep deserving the trust required for another one.<\/p>\n
For three days after the restaurant, Elise did not mention the conversation. Neither did I. We exchanged Mabel as usual. We discussed diapers, daycare, and a rash near her elbow. … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5541,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5551","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-chapter-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thechapterstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5551","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thechapterstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thechapterstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thechapterstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thechapterstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5551"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/thechapterstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5551\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5571,"href":"https:\/\/thechapterstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5551\/revisions\/5571"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thechapterstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/5541"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thechapterstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5551"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thechapterstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5551"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thechapterstory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5551"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}